A Ghost Named Phineas
by Blue Paratroopa
Summary: Parody of A Boy Named Charlie Brown. Phineas thinks he's no good at anything, mainly being an effective ghost, and decides to enter a scaring contest to boost his confidence. Will he win? Is this actually suspensful? Doubt it.
1. Baseball

Here's a story that I hopefully won't cop out on. It's a parody of a movie that I used to watch all the time when I was younger. "A Boy Named Charlie Brown."

* * *

_**Like the shadows in the mansion**_

_**The bats that all flying 'cross the moon**_

_**Phinny has a way of picking up the day**_

_**Just by walking slowly through a room**_

_**Naive ghosts are not a-plenty**_

_**And sympathy from others can be rare**_

_**Though Phinny's not the best at spooking like the rest**_

_**It doesn't matter he can't scare**_

_**He's only a ghost named Phinny**_

_**A ghost named Phineas**_

_**Soft as marshmallow fluff**_

_**He's really not too tough**_

_**And yet he is like all of us**_

_**The mansion's full of lots of creatures**_

_**Some lurking in shadows and in dust**_

_**The hero of them all is really just quite small**_

_**And he's just a ghost named Phineas**_

Phineas was hiding in the exit crypt of the mansion, trying to live up to the fac that he was a ghost. He saw a little girl approaching and jumped out, attempting to scare her. Without blinking, she whipped out a can of mace and spayed him.

"AAAHHH! It burns!" Phineas fell down in pain. A few people stepped on him as they left. "To think this is one of my better days."

Gus waddled over and looked down at his trampled friend. "What's with you?"

"Have you ever felt like you weren't doing your job right?" Phineas slowly sat up.

"No. Never."

Phineas fell down again. "Oh. Because the more I think about it, I don't think I've ever scared anyone when you and Ezra weren't around."

Gus was surprised. "People are scared of me?"

"Well, yeah," shrugged Phineas. "You're always hitting people with you ball and chain."

"I thought it was because a midget," Gus hugged his ball and chain. "Man, I love this thing."

Phineas finally got to his feet. "Uh, right. How do you do it? You know, scaring the kids."

"I jump," said Gus.

"Yeah, and...?"

"I scream."

"It's that simple?" asked Phineas.

"Of course. It's all about the surprise. Wait here. I'll show you." Gus walked away. Phineas stood there for a few minutes when Gus came back behind him and tapped him on the back. The ghost flew in the air, screaming.

"Told ya," called Gus.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Phineas walked outside and breathed in the air. "Ah, it's the day of the 'Mansion Vs. Villains' baseball game on Tom Sawyer's Island! What excitement!"

Ezra ran over. "And for good luck, I brought you this bat!" Ezra whipped out Batty, the bat from _Ferngully_.

"That's not even a Disney character," Phineas pointed out.

"Good point. See ya, Batty." Ezra tossed the bat away. "So, are you pumped, team pitcher?"

"I'm as pumped as I'll ever be," said Phineas, getting onto the raft heading out to the island. "But I've been thinking that I..." he stopped. "Ezra, Batty's still following us."

"Of course!" replied the winged mammal. "I'm the luck!"

"No," said Ezra, "you were a quick gag that wasn't even that funny. It was a pun that didn't work. And since I tossed you, you were literally a throwaway joke."

"Is it because I'm not Disney?" cried Batty. "IS THAT WHY YOU HATE ME?"

"We don't hate you," argued Phineas.

"I don't know," admitted Ezra. "_Ferngully_ was too preachy."

That really got Batty going. "I'll be back! I'm starting a union of non-Disney characters for equal rights!" He fluttered off.

"Will he be back?" asked Phineas.

"I'm not sure," said Ezra. "That could have easily been a throwaway joke, too. Also unfunny."

Phineas shrugged. "They can't all be great. Ooh, here's the field."

"And there's your competition," pointed Ezra. A gang of Disney villains growled at them.

"Ooh, I hate the villains!" moaned Phineas.

"We all do," nodded Ezra. "And that's why you'd better win."

Ezra flew into the pressbox and began giving an energetic play-by-play as only he could. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen! It's a wonderful day for a game! Pitching for us is the wonderful Phineas! And there's the first pitch! ...and it knocked all his clothes off. Everyone note his fetching Esmeralda undies. We all know what Frollo will be buying afterwards. And there's the second pitch! ...this time knocking his pants off. I hesitate to make a pun using the word 'Minnie.' Seriously, folks, he's a great guy."

"QUIT NARRATING AND HELP US!" chorused the angry ghosts.

"What, and get my ass whopped too?" cried Ezra. "Not likely."

The game dragged on. As Ezra spoke, the team didn't do well. The villains easily raked in the points, and soon the mansion had lost with no points at all.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phineas waited until everyone else had gone back to the mansion before he grabbed a lonely raft and floated back himself. The park would open in a few minutes, after all. He knew it wasn't his fault that they had lost, but he couldn't help but blame himself. As he left, a trio of hyenas pointed and laughed.

Phineas was heading down the halls of the mansion towards his space in the ride when Batty flew out, making the jumpy ghost scream.

"I'm back!" cried Batty. "And I brought another poor non-Disney soul looking for some respect! T.R. Chula!"

The purple tarantula (with a large cowboy hat and moustache) from _Fievel Goes West_ hopped out. "He said there would be girls."

"Not now, guys," sighed Phineas. "The guests are watching...oh, never mind. It's not like I'm scary. Where did Chula go?"

As if to answer him, a woman in a Doombuggy screamed. Chula was tossed out, splattering against the wall. "I just love makin' the ladies scream!"

Phineas rolled his eyes. "Just what we need. Another perv."

"What's your problem?" asked Batty.

"LOOK AT ME!" shouted Phineas. "I have the body of Humpty Dumpty! I have huge cartoon eyes! A big smile! I'm the cutest ghost here! Who'd be afraid of me?"

"You shouldn't complain," reasoned Batty. "Be happy who you are. Besides, you can scare if you want to. I've been hanging around here for a while, and I know you have the potential. You can be scary if you're cute. Look at little ol' me!"

(To the tune of "Tears to Shed" from _Corpse Bride_)

Batty: **_Some people say I'm batty in the head, and yet I know_**

Chula: **_You always think the best in all the people that you meet_**

Phineas: **_That means I'm naive_**

Batty: **_True, but some could call it sweet_**

Chula: **_Or amusing_**

Batty: **_Sensitive_**

Batty and Chula: **_If you only knew the you that we know_**

Chula: **_You're the voice of reason that Ezra tries not to hear_**

Batty: **_It's never said a ghost has to strike fear_**

Batty and Chula: **_Scaring isn't your game_**

Phineas: **_That's why I feel shame_**

Batty and Chula: **_Who cares?_**

Chula: **_You're much better_**

Batty: **_Just get up now..._**

Chula: **_And go!_**

Batty and Chula: **_If only you could see how special you can be_**

_**If you only knew the you that we know**_

(The song switches to "Reflection")

Phineas: **_Look at me_**

_**I will never pass for a scary ghost**_

_**There's no point to be here**_

_**Can it be I'm not meant to play this part**_

_**Now I see that if I were truly to be myself **_

_**I would break the mansion's heart**_

(And back to "Tears to Shed")

Batty: **_Forget the Mulan showtunes_**

_**Right now you need to blow fumes**_

_**And feel better then**_

Chula: **_Grim but grinning_**

Batty: **_And right now_**

Chula: **_Besides, we know that can get your kicks_**

_**Like when you landed that hot Asian chick**_

Batty: **_True, that's..._**

Chula: **_Unrealistic_**

Batty and Chula: **_Doesn't matter_**

Chula: **_That's so!_**

Batty and Chula: **_If only you could see_**

_**How special you can be**_

_**If you only knew the you that we know**_

(For the last time, "Reflection")

Phineas: **_Who is that ghost I see_**

_**Staring straight back at me?**_

_**Why is my reflection someone I don't know?**_

(Batty and Chula are about to sing another verse when Phineas brushes them aside and walks away)

_**Somehow I cannot hide**_

_**Who I am, though I've tried**_

_**When will my reflection show who I am inside**_

(Batty and Chula dance out again, only for Phineas to toss them away)

_**When will my reflection show who I am inside **_

Phineas walked over to Ezra and Gus, who were already posed. Without a word, he joined in hitchhiking. Still, he thought, maybe Batty's right. Nah...

* * *

Poor Phinny. I don't recall why I added Batty and Chula. I guess I liked them and I imagined them singing "Tears to Shed," and one thing led to another, resulting in an awkward placement! Yay! 


	2. Therapy

Phineas trudged through the mansion in a daze for the next few days. Nothing made sense to him. Depression had hit hard. It wasn't long before Ariel noticed. "Phineas, what's wrong?"

"You ever feel like a failure at life?"

"I always deal with them," shrugged Ariel.

"Huh?"

Ariel led Phineas to the breakroom of the mansion. "I run a psychiatric help booth on the side. You should come over."

"Okay," agreed Phineas. "How come I've never heard of this place?"

"I don't know. Patients sort of run screaming."

Phineas stared at her, but sat down anyway. "So...you're teaching me to be scary?"

"Whatever you say. Now, first, I'll test your reflexes." Ariel whipped out a mallet and smashed Phineas's foot.

The ghost jumped nine feet in the air. "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I thought you were supposed to do that to my KNEE!"

"They way your proportions are laid out, you don't have a knee to hit," Ariel pointed out. "Seriously, you waddle everywhere. The only thing cuter than that would be to put you on a pitcher's mound covered in dandelions."

Phineas floated down. "This is degrading."

"That's therapy." Ariel suddenly zapped Phineas with an electric cattleprod.

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!" screeched Phineas. "And what was THAT for?!"

"I got the idea from a movie," grinned Ariel. "I'll keep you on your feet if I keep trying to kill you."

"I'm already a ghost!" exclaimed Phineas.

"Oh, right. It still hurts."

Phineas nodded. "I guess so." Ariel zapped Phineas again. "And stop doing that!" cried the ghost.

"If I stop," said Ariel, "the whole thing is down the drain. Here's an idea. If I hold this football..."

Phineas ran for it. He bumped into Ezra. "Watch it!" Ezra zapped Phineas with his own electric cattle prod.

"Are you working with your crazy girlfriend?" asked the (literally) shocked Phineas.

"No. I just like zapping people. It's my thing, ya know?"

Not wanting to get shocked again. Phineas left.

"So much for therapy," said Ariel.

"Did you whack his foot?" asked Ezra.

"Yep."

"Cattle prod twice?"

"Of course."

"Football?"

"He ran out before I could."

"See, there's his problem," said Ezra. "The football is crucial."

Just then, Chula crawled over towards Ariel. "Hey, who's the hottie?"

Ariel stomped on him. "I never liked spiders."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"_Dear Ming-Na,_

_I really miss you. Things here are...well...they're...things here are...aww, I'm a failure! There's no denying it! I'm a washed-up ghost. I was never on top to begin with! I'm a laughingstock!_

_How's Hong Kong?_

_Love,_

_Phineas_"

With a sigh, Phineas walked to City Hall on Main Street and mailed his letter. Ming-Na was a beautiful girl he had met at Hong Kong. The two were in a long distance relationship, but Phineas wasn't sure if it was really working out.

Ezra flew over. "Phinny! I brought the football!"

"Stop it. I'm miserable, I'm a failure face, and I miss Ming-Na."

"You actually MAIL letters?" gaped Ezra. "Use a computer! She's gotta have one of those! She's Japanese!"

Phineas rolled his eyes. "Ezra, she's Chinese."

"Really? Oh yeah. They all look alike to me."

"Was that a joke?" Phineas asked warningly.

"Tell the lawyers yes," Ezra noticed how sad Phineas looked. "So what's your problem? Was it baseball? The Esmeralda incident?"

"I'm wearing Belle this time. Look, let's face the facts. I'm not scary."

"You scared people in that ancient story," remembered Ezra.

"'A Ghost's Night On the Park'? Ezra, that was a pilot episode! Things change!"

"**_Hey! A rampage_**!" sang Ezra. "Gotta love that. Ooh, I've got an idea. We have a scaring contest coming up, and most of the ghosts aren't entering."

"Yeah, the villains always dominate it."

"Riiiiiiight. So why don't you enter?"

Phineas looked hopeful. "Me? You think I could do it?"

They heard laughter. Out of an alley came Shenzi, Banzi, and Ed. The hyenas from _The Lion King_.

"You? Scaring?" grinned Shenzi. "What a moron!" Ed laughed in agreement.

"Were you waiting in the shadows for us?" asked Phineas.

Banzi nodded. "We wait for anyone who we can mock IN SONG!"

(To the tune of "Failure Face")

Shenzi and Banzi: **_You could never scare anyone_**

_**You'd just be a small surprise at the most**_

_**No wonder everyone calls you**_

_**A screw-up ghost**_

_**You could never be a big threat**_

_**Being spooky ain't a talent you boast**_

_**Instead the kids will all call you**_

_**A screw-up ghost**_

_**If there was a show for losers**_

_**You'd double as the guests and host**_

_**We dedicate this to Phinny**_

_**The screw-up ghost!**_

Phineas stomped away from the cackling hyenas. "By golly, I'll show them!"

"You write letters AND say 'by golly'?" said Ezra. "You're messed up."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before Phineas knew it, it was the scaring contest. Worst of all, he was put in the same group as the hyenas! Phineas found himself standing on stage, terrified. The hyenas grinned at each other.

"He's gonna mess up," whispered Shenzi.

"He can't do it!" agreed Banzi. Ed just laughed.

The hyenas continued to whisper. Phineas could take it no longer. He turned around, his blue shade becoming bright red. "WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP!"

Surprised, and actually a little scared, the hyenas backed up. And that's how Phineas accidently won the first round of the scaring contest.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You did it!" cheered Ezra. "I'm proud of you!"

"And finals are tomorrow," realized Phineas. "I've gotta study."

"I'm sure our library has some good how-to books..." smiled Ezra.

Gus ran by, chasing someone. "Rawr, I'm short!"

* * *

Surprised I didn't write out Ming-Na.

What is it with these end chapter notes? I never know what to say!


	3. Champion Phineas

Phineas and Ezra sat in their room studying away...and getting pretty darn confused!

(To the tune of "I Before E")

Phineas: This is one rule I must remember...

_**If you can scare, then all will beware**_

_**But if you come off weak**_

_**Then you'll be a big geek**_

_**Ghosts trying to scare should**_

_**Not ham it up, but then also at the same time**_

_**Overdo it**_

Huh?

Uh...**_If you can scare, then all will beware_**

_**Let's see, if you can scare then no one will care**_

_**Wait, if you can scare, then prepare?**_

_**If you can scare, then all...**_

_**No, people have got to beware!**_

Ezra:**_ If you really want to be quite freaky_**

_**Or creaky, not leaky, or weak-y or geeky or gleeky**_

_**Then the best point is for you not to be reeky**_

Phineas: What?!

Ezra: You know what I'm talking about, it's just to get a rhyme.

Phineas: Oh, sure.

Ezra: For example

_**Make 'em scream**_

_**That's the dream**_

_**Make us beam**_

_**You're our team**_

Phineas: **_At least, that's what it seems_**

Ezra: **_On the other hand, there are lots of cliches_**

_**That are used**_

_**And the judges don't find it amusing**_

Phineas: **_So I shouldn't study horror flicks?_**

Ezra: **_No, unless you want some dumb cheap kicks_**

Phineas:**_ So that's why_**

Ezra: **_Of course, let's try_**

The two went into a long rhyming session, or at least what sounded like rhymes. Gus joined in on a mouth harp. It went on FOREVER.

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

However, that morning, Phineas was having trouble remembering the rule. "If you can scare, then do it with flair?" he thought. "No...if you can scare like Sonny and Cher...?"

It was his turn next. He hadn't really been watching the other contestants, but it seemed like they were doing a good job. Sweating heavily, Phineas stepped up. In the audience, he heard a few laughs. Not the hyenas, but other villains. Other guests. It was only a couple of people, but to Phineas, it was like everyone was laughing.

He was about to run offstage when he heard Gus in the audience playing the mouth harp. Or maybe it was just a piece of metal he found on the ground. Whatever it was, the music was clear: **_If you can scare, then all will beware..._**

Phineas nodded, took a deep breath, and scared.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few minutes later, Phineas's craze had faded. He couldn't remember a thing. But the audience in front of him sat in a shocked silence, so he must have done well, right? As if to confirm this, they began to cheer.

"I don't know how," smiled Gracey, "but you did it."

"I don't know how, either," said Phineas. "Seriously, it was a blur."

Gus spat something out of his mouth and cheered as well. Apparently, it WAS just a piece of medal. Oh, Gus.

"Cue the music!" cried Ezra.

"Didn't we just have a song?" said Phineas.

"Who cares?"

Happily, the ghosts marched Phineas back to the mansion.

(To the tune of "Champion Charlie Brown")

Crowd: **_Champion Phineas_**

_**Unlikely, but it's true**_

_**We are all cheering and also fearing**_

_**This funny guy who's blue**_

_**Champion Phineas (Queeg's his name!)**_

_**He's got to be the best (Scare's his game!)**_

_**Pass out some pins or throw a parade**_

_**For what he has done the best**_

_**He's gotta be most defiantly**_

_**Champion Phineas**_

_**Champion Phineas**_

_**Marching from victory**_

_**Hard to believe but he showed some real gut**_

_**It was a sight to see**_

_**Champion Phineas (You did it!)**_

_**Everyone here agrees (You did it!)**_

_**He is a great guy and he's backed up by**_

_**His friends Ezra and Gus**_

_**He'll be in folklore**_

_**Let's cheer again for**_

_**Champion Phineas**_

_**Champion Phineas**_

_**Champion Phineas!**_

Upon returning, after a quick wave to the guests, Phineas collapsed into a chair in the corner of the Library. "Well, good thing that's over. Now it's time to take it easy."

Emily, the mansion's bride (not to be confused with the Corpse Bride of the same name), burst to the front of the row of ghosts. "Take it easy? TAKE IT EASY?! You put our ride on the map and then you take it easy?!"

Phineas held up a souvenir Disney World map. "Our ride was already on the map. See, it's that little one by the river."

"What our loving bride is trying to say is," said Master Gracey, "that you simply cannot stop here. State is ahead, you know."

"State?" Phineas turned a pale shade of white.

"Of course," shrugged Gracey. "Only the best go to state. You'll be against the scariest things in Florida."

Ezra grinned that trademark...well, grin. "We're talking things from Islands of Adventure, Six Flags, Universal Studios..."

"Tons of old people," added Ariel. "And maybe something from Sea World. They always squeeze something in."

"I can't do that!" cried Phineas. "I'm just a ghost! A ghost named Phineas! Who apparently doesn't have knees!"

Ezra held up their dwarf friend. "Do it for little Gus!"

"I wanna hurt you," said Gus.

"This is why we love him, folks," laughed Ezra.

Everyone began to chant. "Guilt trip! Guilt trip! Guilt trip! Guilt trip! Guilt trip! Guilt trip! Guilt trip! Guilt trip! Guilt trip! Guilt trip! GUILT TRIP!"

Phineas finally jumped to his feet. "OKAY! I'll do it! Stupid guilt trips."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soon the ghost found himself sitting in his room, studying, and gaping at some of the books. "I didn't know you could DO that with your hands..."

Batty fluttered over. "How's the studying?"

"I don't know how to do any of this stuff..." moaned Phineas.

"I was once a normal bat, you know," reminisced Batty. "Content to lay around and eat bugs. But then I was TAKEN FROM MY HOME AND SHOCKED WITH 1,000 VOLTS! SAVE THE RAINFORESTS, KIDS!"

Phineas didn't look up. "I see."

"Sorry. I have spurts."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next day, Phineas stood at the bus stop. Everyone was gathered around, cheering. Phineas just sighed and got onto the bus heading for the state finals.

"Wait!" called Gus. "You're not short like me, remember? You need all the luck you can get if you wanna be scary! So take...MY BALL AND CHAIN! MY PRIZED POSSESSION! MAY IT SERVE YOU WELL!"

"What do I do with this?"

Gus shoved the ball and chain in Phineas's face. "I'm givin' you my world, here! Take it, you moron! Here! Here! Here!"

"Okay, Gus." Phineas took it and got onto the bus.

"HERE!"

Ezra smiled and watched the ghost drive away. "There goes a great ghost. Be inspired, my friend!"

"Maybe I should have threatened to chop his head off," said Emily.

"We did what we could," shrugged Ariel.

* * *

No, I didn't do the entire "I Before E" song. Call me lazy, but I don't think it would have worked. Actually, it was originally going to appear in the now-canned "Music Sham" where the ghosts sang "All of Disney Must Be Rated G," which was then replaced by "Disney Stuff."

One thing that bugs me about _A Boy Named Charlie Brown_ is the fact that all the musical numbers (aside from the title song) are lumped together in the middle.


	4. Crazy Gus

A day later, the Mansion was up and running. No major events took place, aside from Batty playing the piano for like, ever. This was accompanied by a _Fantasia_-like sequence. Man, that bat was craaaaaazy.

Gus, on the other hand, was not doing well. Without his ball and chain, the poor thing felt empty. While Ezra happy waved his thumb at guests, Gus just sort of sat there, shivering.

"My...ball and chain. It's gone."

"It ain't gone," said Ezra. "Phinny has it, remember?"

Gus suddenly snapped and grabbed Ezra. "IT'S AS GOOD AS GONE! I CAN'T LAST WITHOUT IT! People aren't afraid of me 'cause I'm SHORT, it was because I would hurt them with the ball and chain!"

"Well, duh!"

"Don't talk that way to me!" growled Gus. "I'll make you Gus's size!"

"How?"

Gus was silent for a second. "I don't know! AAAARRRGGG!"

"Man, you're messed up." Ezra squirmed away from Gus.

"I NEED IT!" moaned Gus.

With a slight shudder, Ezra comforted Gus. "Okay, okay. We'll go find Phineas and get the ball and chain. Just give me a few seconds to..."

"No time! Now!" Gus grabbed Ezra and ran out the door. "Movemovemovemove!"

"Hey, spider!" Ezra tossed a letter to Chula. "Give this to my girlfriend! It tells her where I am!"

"Sure, ghost," called Chula. The second Ezra was gone, the spider went into his trademark, high-pitched laugh. "EEE-HEE-HEE! I just love ruining relationships!" He tore up the letter.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gus led Ezra down to the bus station. Without a word, he knocked out the driver, threw him off the bus, and started driving.

"Usually we say a few one-liners when we hiijack a bus," remarked Ezra. "You must be serious, man."

"VERY."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phineas sat in his hotel room, studying. "I don't think I can hold out much longer. I'll go insane! But everyone's counting on me. Me! One little ghost who doesn't have any idea what he's doing..."

Phineas started to fall asleep. Suddenly, he jumped up and zapped himself with Ariel's cattle prod that he'd brought along. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Can't fall asleep! Gotta study!"

Just then, something crashed through Phineas's wall. The startled ghost backed up to see that it was a large bus that had burst in. Out, as you guessed, popped Ezra and Gus.

"We're home for the holidays!" announced Ezra. "Even though this isn't home and it's not during any holiday."

Phineas ran over to his best friends. "Guys! It's so great to see you! Uh, is Gus okay?"

"NO, I'M NOT OKAY!" Gus collapsed and then crawled over to Phineas. "I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed my ball and chain."

"The ball and chain," nodding, Phineas looked for it. "Sure, it's...uh-oh."

"WHAT?"

"I don't know how to say this, Gus," said Phineas, "but I can't find it."

"WHAT?"

Phineas tried to make him feel better. "You know how they say time heals all wounds? I'm pretty sure it's true. I mean, look at the cattle prod burns I got. They're almost gone!"

"WHAT?"

"Just shut up and hide!" whispered Ezra, pulling Phineas under the bed.

"YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" With that frantic battle cry, Gus began to tear up the room, unleashing his fury.

"Shouldn't we have sent HIM to the scaring competition?" asked Phineas.

Ezra shrugged. "We can't handle another lawsuit."

With a last mutter of "...chain," Gus collapsed again.

"I was at Red Lobster today," remembered Phineas. "Maybe I left it there."

"They let you go to Red Lobster?" grinned Ezra. "Sweet."

"TO THE SEAFOOD!" Gus jumped out the window.

"I guess I get to go with him," grumbled Ezra. "Happy day."

"Right," said Phineas. "And I'll get back to work." As soon as Ezra left, Phineas fainted. He landed on his cattle prod and was shocked awake.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the crash, the bus obviously wouldn't run, so Gus and Ezra were going to Red Lobster on foot. It was night now, and the city streets were almost empty.

Ezra was trying to make the best of things by singing, as always: "**_We're on the road to Red Lobster..._**"

"No singing!" ordered Gus, shoving him against some trash cans.

Surprised, Ezra got to his feet. "Got it."

Gus approached a woman by a lamppost. "You got a ball and chain?"

"Oh, you're into that stuff? Well, I guess I could work one in, but it'll cost..."

Gus just smacked her and kept walking. "Gotta find it!"

Eventually, they found the Red Lobster, which was closed. "Well," said Ezra, "the Chinese place next door is open."

Gus was about to break the door down when Ezra stopped him. "Are you crazy?" he shouted at the dwarf. "If you break in, the cops'll be here in a second! Just float through the wall!"

"You're not the boss of me." Gus obeyed Ezra, anyway, and floated inside.

Ezra followed him and noticed a tank of live lobsters. "Poor little lobsters. No room to move or mate or anything. They're just waiting for someone to pick 'em out and then..."

"Let's go," said Gus. "It's not here." In frustration, he smashed a window. Police sirens were heard approaching. "Uh-oh. Should we run?"

"In a second." Giggling madly, Ezra emptied the lobsters. "YEAH! Freedom!"

Satisfied, they flew for it. Ezra paused and turned back to the restaurant. The sirens were getting closer.

"Now what?" groaned Gus.

"The lobsters can't run on their own! What do we do?"

"Oy."

The two ghosts grabbed the lobsters and flew for it as the police cars arrived. Suddenly, Ezra dropped a lobster. "Hold it, Gus! We never leave a man down!"

Ezra swooped down and picked the lobster up just as the police car was about to run it over. The chase resumed. Ezra turned to Gus. "What happened to all the lobsters you were carrying?"

Gus's mouth was full. "I dunno."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phineas was still studying when they burst through the gaping hole they had already made in the wall from the first visit.

"We dodged the fuzz and brought some friends!" announced Ezra. He tossed Phineas a lobster.

"Eww, get it away from me!" Phineas shook the lobster off. "Did you find the ball and chain?"

"NO!" screamed Gus. "I HATE YOU!"

Music swelled as Ezra began a speech. "Gus, don't you see? You burst through windows, hijacked a bus, escaped cops, smacked me and that...friendly woman around...You had the ball and chain all along. Inside you."

"Bullcrap." Angrily, Gus smacked the wall. The closet opened, revealing the ball and chain. "MY BABY!" Grabbing it, he did a wild dance with the ball and chain.

"Never a dull moment," said Ezra. "What should we name all the lobsters?"


	5. The Big Day

The next morning, the time had come. Ezra, Gus, and Phineas marched down the street, with a wagon full of lobsters. Phineas was nervous, but he knew that it was something he had to do. If he could scare, then all would beware...

"Okay, Phinny," said Ezra as Phineas went backstage, "go make us proud!"

Gus nudged him. "We could, ya know, creep out the competition."

"No thanks. I want to do this the honest way, and scaring my commentators isn't right. I think that this is the sort of thing where we should all get along and be happy and..."

"We get it!" groaned Ezra. "I'm scared of being bored to death!" He and Gus flew off to find a seat.

With a huge smile, Phineas marched backstage and looked around. Most of the competition were generic horror creatures such as vampires, witches, and goblins from local fairs. A few ghosts were there as well.

With a big smile, Phineas called, "Hey, everybody! Isn't this gonna be fun? We could all be friends!"

"FRIENDS?" exclaimed the ghosts.

Phineas backed up against the wall. "Uh, something I said?"

"Friends don't win you crap!" chorused the ghosts.

(To the tune of "Lucky Enough to be a Ghost")

_**Look at this guy here, he's tiny and frail**_

_**You know a little imp like that can only fail**_

_**It's almost amusing, although quite sad**_

_**With one look, ya know that we are gonna trash him bad!**_

_**I can rip out my guts and make children cry**_

_**There's no one around here to compete with this guy**_

_**When it comes to competitions, I'm the winner and**_

_**A song's the only way to make a dork understand**_

_**Don't try to compete, you'll just get defeat**_

_**Go back to you kingdom and take a rest**_

_**But since we're nice guys, here's some advice, try**_

_**Not to suck too much, cause we're the best!**_

Phineas: _**I'm trying to have fun, not to be mean**_

_**I admit that you're the scariest ghosts that I have seen**_

_**So I'm sorry to bother you guys, I'll leave**_

Creatures: _**Oh no, you've gotta see what else we have up our sleeves!**_

_**Don't try to compete, you'll just get defeat**_

_**Go back to your kingdom and take a rest**_

_**But since we're nice guys, here's some advice, try**_

_**Not to suck too much, cause we're the best!**_

_**There's just one last thing that we must make clear**_

_**Compared to us, you're nothing to fear**_

_**For a scare is something that's done with grace**_

_**Not by Phineas, the big failure face**_

ONE MORE TIME!

_**Don't try to compete, you'll just get defeat**_

_**Go back to you kingdom and take a rest**_

_**But since we're nice guys, here's some advice, try**_

_**Just leaving**_

_**Quit it right now**_

_**We don't care**_

_**We're not polite now**_

_**That's some info**_

'_**Bout how we go**_

_**And we know you'll suck, cause we're the best!**_

As the scary chorus flew off laughing, Phineas sighed. "Maybe I should have let Ezra and Gus scare them..." he thought to himself. "No! I have to do this one myself! I know I can scare..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ariel, Chula, Batty, Gracey, Emily, Lily, and many other of the ghosts of the mansion and the cast members were gathered around the TV. They couldn't wait to see Phineas!

"I wonder where Ezra and Gus went," grumbled Ariel. "I hate it when they don't tell me anything!"

Chula danced around on the couch. "HA! Another victory for Chula!"

On the TV, the cameras picked up the audience, including Ezra and Gus.

"He went without me?!" cried Ariel. "He's in trouble now!"

Suddenly, Ezra grabbed the camera and millions of viewers were shocked as his grim grinning face filled the screen. "I just wanna say hi to my girlfriend! She can zap me anytime she wants!"

Ariel smiled. "Aww, he's so sweet..."

Chula gasped as he was squashed by a sitting Ariel, who didn't notice him. "Stupid ghost."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ezra and Gus could hardly stay in their seats. "This is great!" cheered Ezra, happy to be with Gus and the invertebrates they rescued. "And the whole family's here!" He paused. "Hey, what happened to the rest of the lobsters?"

Gus's mouth was full again. "I don't know."

The lights dimmed. The show was starting! "Let's get ready to tremble!" shouted Ezra.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phineas sat trembling backstage. Some of these creatures were really good! As a mummy unraveled himself (which was more gross than scary), Phineas realized he had to go on next. He took a deep, deep, breath.

As Phineas stepped on, he could hear the creatures chanting backstage: "Don't try to compete, you'll just get defeat! Don't try to compete, you'll just get defeat! Don't..."

Phineas growled. How dare they all team up to bully him? They weren't scary! They were just mean! They were jerks! They were...they were...laughing hyenas!

Phineas growled harder. He HATED the hyenas. It was then that a wolfman backstage, who looked quite similar to Banzi, said the words that pushed him to the edge: "What a screw-up ghost!"

Phineas opened his mouth...and all went black again.

* * *

The "Lucky Enough to be a Ghost" song seems to have become the Hitchhiker's theme, but here it's used by Phinny's rivals. I was trying to emulate the scene in _The Brave Little Toaster_ with the "Cutting Edge" appliences. 


	6. Back Home

When Phineas woke up, the room was empty, except for Ezra and Gus. Dazed, Phineas sat up. "Did I win?"

"Well," Ezra searched for the right words, "ya know how you black out when you scare?"

"Yeah..."

"The guy who went up after you is probably in a coma now."

"So I lost?" squeaked Phineas.

"Second place, actually," shrugged Ezra.

Phineas sadly drifted out the door. "Who cares? That's not good enough for the guys at the mansion...Now we'll never be on the map."

"Wait a sec!" Gus called after him. "Remember, we already are? PHINNY! What a baby." Ezra and Gus shrugged to each other and followed Phineas.

Using his ball and chain, Gus hijacked another bus and the grinning ghosts sped off...well, two of them were grinning. Phineas lay in the backseat, not saying a word.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When they got back to the park, no one was outside. "Bunch of bums," grumbled Ezra. "Well, we don't need their crap! We're three loners, a badass trio, we stick together to the end! Now, let's sing about it!"

"I'm not in the mood to sing," sighed Phineas. He sadly began to float home. Ezra and Gus shrugged and flew after him.

"Just what we need," said Gus. "An emo hitchhiker. If he ain't smiling by morning, I'll pound him!"

"No," said Ezra, "let's just let him sleep. No hand in warm water, no moving his bed onto the highest tower of the castle so when he moves, he falls into the dumpster, none of the usual stuff...maybe tomorrow, though."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Phineas didn't get out of bed that morning. He took a personal day. And then the next day. And the next. And the next.

Ezra banged on the door one morning. "HEY! PHINEAS! If I didn't know better, I'd have thought you died again!"

"Leave. Now."

"No way! We've had enough of your lack of presence, and I'll use the cattle prod if I have to!" Ezra barged in to find Phineas had all the shades drawn, was playing a continuous loop of slow organ music on a CD player, and hadn't moved for a few days. There was also a shocking amount of drool.

"Leave me to rot," Phineas grumbled in a low monotone.

Ezra wadded through trash to Phineas's bed. "Yeesh, this is just disgusting! Listen, Phinny, we're all worried about you! Me, Gus, Ariel, Batty, even freaking Chula!"

"Hmph. I suppose the rest of the mansion hates me for blowing it."

"You didn't blow it and no one hates you!" exploded Ezra. "Except Emily. And Leota. And Little Leota. And possibly..."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm losing valuable rotting time," Phineas tried to ignore him. "If you want to paint the walls black sometime, though, I wouldn't complain."

"This is truly depressing," Ezra's eyes widened.

"Thank you."

"Listen..." Ezra pulled up the blinds, causing Phineas to melt into a blue puddle. Ezra barely gave him a second. "First of all, that's the oldest trick in the book."

Phineas re-formed himself. "Think I'd have done better if I opened the act with that?"

"Stop dwelling on the past!" cried Ezra. "So you didn't win this time, so what? Just try next time!"

"Please say there won't be a next time."

"There won't be if you don't want one. But we all think you should try again." Ezra started to leave, but turned back. "Whether you won or lost, you still proved something to yourself, to all the ghosts, and...well, even to me."

"What's that?" asked Phineas.

"Think about it and it will come to you," Ezra left.

Phineas sat in bed for a few minutes. He thought. And thought. But nothing came to mind.

With a loud groan, Ezra leaned back into the room. "You proved that you could do anything with us loved ones in mind! Geez, I gotta spell out everything for you." He slammed the door shut.

With a shrug, Phineas got out of bed and flew through the mansion like nothing had happened. He passed Batty, who waved. A few guests did, as well. Chula had crawled into a Doombuggy with a pretty girl, and was being stomped on personally by Ariel. When Phineas passed through the attic, Emily glared at him...although a few Pop-Up ghosts were certainly happy to see their friend back. To Phineas, nothing had really changed.

After greeting a few ghosts in the graveyard, Phineas headed down to his spot. He could see Ezra and Gus waiting for him in the distance. Gus was hugging his ball and chain.

Suddenly, someone tapped him on the back. Phineas flew through the air, screaming in surprise, and landing on his back. He looked up to see it was Ming-Na.

"Welcome home, Phineas."

"Too sweet!" screeched Ezra. "We gotta liven things up! Break out the instruments, start playing the jazz!"

Soon the graveyard was jamming with a medley of tunes that had been heard over the pervious days.

_**When the crypt doors creak and the tombstones quake**_

_**Spooks come out for a swinging wake**_

_**Music is blaring, get back to scaring**_

_**Champion Phineas!**_

Looking back, it should have been Fidget instead of Batty. I think I'll focus on Chula a little more, though. I really like him. It would be fun to also bring in Digit the roach from the original _American Tail_, but neither of them are Disney! Just a few rambles.


End file.
